Dear Tia,

My father remarried ten years after my mom died. My stepmother is nice, and I can tell they are good for each other. My point is I have no beef with her, per se. But my dad has let me know that he plans to leave her everything—his house, his business, his real estate. I am talking about the home he bought with my mother, the home where I was raised. And the business he built while my mom was tending to the day to day demands of parenting me and my siblings. Meanwhile, my stepmother’s father left her plenty when he died, I know she’s not hurting for money.

It’s hard not to take this personally, especially since my relationship with my dad has been difficult after the death of my mom. She was the glue. He’s made it hard to stay connected, but I’ve worked to do so because he’s my dad, after all. It’s hard for me to accept that because my mom died and he remarried, myself and my family (his grandkids!) won’t be receiving any inheritance when he dies. I’m not going to lie, it feels like a big fat “screw you.” I try to not be materialistic, but this one is really, really hard. How do I accept this without resentment?

Trying and Failing to be Zen

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Dear Failing Zen,

The inheritance. The relationship. The inheritance. The relationship. They get so polarized, or intertwined, or probably both….

It’s hard not to think of all the problems that might disappear if you received that inheritance. And then there’s the relationship, with your father, the only parent remaining in your life.

Let’s not forget the stepmother. Who gets it all. God, it’s so cliche I bet it’s hard not to roll your eyes. And what a tough pill to swallow. You say, “I try not to be materialistic, but this one is really really hard.” Yes. The hardest. You ask, “How do I accept this without resentment?” Great question. It may not be possible to avoid resentment.

And, accept it you must. You’ve heard the saying, “What you resist, persists” ?? Resisting the truth that it’s his choice to do what he wants with his life collections will only make you crazy.

Let’s unpack this question: What does it mean to be materialistic? What does it mean to care about and maybe even want nice things? And be able to pay bills and take care of your family without sacrificing your health, time, sanity? Is it materialistic to want a cushion so that when things go wrong (and they will) you’ll have some breathing room, a little safety net?

Of course only you can answer that, but my guess is you are going round and round in your mind, justifying the things you want (not greedy!) and the things you deserve (I’m the daughter! I have the grandkids!) and all of it only fuels your crazy-making because it’s still his choice.

You are being asked by life to get introspective, to consider what it means to be (really, seriously and completely) not attached to getting what you want. Non-attachment, what it is NOT: “not caring” nor “not giving a shit” nor waving your hand with an attitude of “whatever.”

Non-attachment goes deeper than all that. It is the conscious unhooking of yourself from expectation. And it’s a mindset that sets you free. How? By allowing you to live right here, right now, in this moment. It eliminates the, “what if” and “if only” and future thinking that plays out the hamster wheel narrative where you get screwed.

You’re presently in a life situation where you get to deeply examine what it means to have a relationship with your father and connect to him simply for the purpose of nourishing the father-daughter relationship, without muddying the interaction with the possibility of an inheritance.

The word ‘inheritance’ could be interchangeable with ‘safety’, yes? And safety is an illusion. Money can’t buy you safety. It can solve some problems, but often it creates as many problems as it solves. What if your dad had no money, no property, no businesses? What would your relationship be like then? How would you be holding that relationship in your heart or your mind? I bet it would be different. Softer. Less complicated. Money complicates relationships and often it means the magic that could exist between the two of you gets missed.

Can you see your father without the lens of inheritance, without the bitter pill or the feeling of being unfairly treated? He will be gone soon, and with or without the money, the relationship between you two will be a memory.

Make the relationship how you want it to be, and don’t worry about the money. You don’t know how the future will unfold. Nobody does. There is no use sacrificing any sliver of love that might exist between you because of some financial windfall, or the lack of one. Life is uncertain. You don’t know who will die first. The step-mom, your dad, maybe you will go first. Perhaps you get something, and maybe you don’t, but meanwhile you must live your life with integrity.

Stop trying to not be materialistic and focus on the relationship.  Be the warrior of love that you are, and show the world your big huge heart. Go all out with it, and whatever happens, so be it. Don’t let money ruin your relationship. Take that toxic nonsense out of it.

All you have is now. You, the family you made, your dad, and the memory of your mom. It’s enough.

With Love,

Tia