Mixed Up Mel

Hey Tia,

You seem like a straight shooter. I need your truthful wise counsel. I am in my early 50's.

I recently reconnected with a man who had previously been married to a high school friend of mine. They divorced 15 years ago and we had lost touch.

Long story short, at the time of our reconnecting he had a long time girlfriend, 20 years younger than him, and I got the impression that the relationship had a shelf life. He and I had a few lunches, had some wine together, all friendly, but there were a few confusing kisses (not make-out sessions), comments he made that I was a "breath of fresh air", a "welcome retreat", that I was true to myself which made me so attractive.

Anyway, even though I knew he was in a relationship (8+ years, living together), I was vulnerable, let my guard down and I developed feelings for him.

I finally told him that even though I knew his context, I had fallen in love with him. And I gracefully bowed out of his life earlier this year.

After months of no communication, he texted me on my birthday. I told him I was out of town. He texted back and said he'd left something on my doorstep.

When I got home, he had left a lovely card, with the word "friend" clearly communicated in its sentiment. He wrote that he'd "love to share a glass of wine and catch up". Catch up on what? If I still loved him?

Anyway, it was the gift that threw me into a tailspin. He bought me a BRACELET. It is beautiful - silver hoops connected and there are cubic zirconia stones interspersed all around. He got me jewelry???

The next day, I simply thanked him for the card and gift (I didn't even refer to it as a bracelet) and it was nice to be remembered. I did not bite on the wine idea. He wrote back and told me I was welcome and he wrote this: "I love the bracelet. It's simple, yet fun and elegant." I don't know about you, Tia, but that sounds like a guy who put some thought into a gift to give to a woman who was vulnerable (brave!) enough to express her feelings - with no expectations and then faded into the shadows.

He's still with his girlfriend. And I still have a bracelet that I will never wear. My first inclination was to graciously return it to him, but that just seems like drama to me. At present, I intend to give it to my longest, best girlfriend who will wear it with care.

But it BOTHERS me...BUGS me...pisses me OFF that he bought me a bracelet! What the...? Is he that guileless or DAFT? To what end?

Anyway...thought I'd run it past you. Got any "aunt-like" insights or advice?

Mixed Up Mel

Hi MUM!

Thank you for your letter. And thanks for the ‘straight shooter’ compliment. I super appreciate it! I do like to call things like I see them. I’ll do that with your letter, so please take what feels usable and put the rest aside for future consideration.

There are a few things that stand out to me. Let’s start with the “I let my guard down and developed feelings for him.”  The idea that we have the ability to control the very human and completely natural experience of developing feelings for someone is a myth. First of all, we are developing feelings for everyone all the time, every second, and this is a huge gift that comes with being human. Don't try to control or avoid this gift. Embrace it. Welcome it. We are here to connect. Keep your guard down enough to really feel. The problems arise when we try to interpret what those feelings mean. More on that later.

Yes, he is in a relationship and the rules of our culture say it’s not okay to connect to him, yes he is crossing a boundary and it would prbably be hurtful to his girlfriend if she knew. Yes, you are allowing it (hence you are partially responsible) by saying yes to wine and lunch and kisses. But, all that aside, you are just two people enjoying each other’s company. Yes?

Except. Your mind is asking the question…...what does this mean??? This is where you get into a mess. The pesky mind is always trying to make meaning out of things. It wants things to fit into culturally sanctioned boxes. The experience with this man doesn’t fit in a way that your mind can settle with. It is outside of culturally sanctioned behavior. How can you be okay with that fact? It is liberating to allow yourself the freedom to do what you want, and yet it can also cause regret, or guilt, or harsh judgement of yourself or your friend. Being aware of which rules you are breaking and why is helpful. Going into things with your eyes wide open is healthier than behaving with impulses from the unconscious mind. This is a challenge, to balance 'doing what you want' with 'being responsible'. But, I think you are up for a challenge. The key is self awareness, conscious choice, and no expectation.

One other thing, and this is my straight shooting interpretation:  This man is throwing you some emotionally loaded crumbs and you are gathering them up, trying to make a feast. This is the larger point I’d like to stress. If life is a banquet of deliciousness, and there are yummy treats all around, why settle for some crumbs?

Do you believe that you are a breath of fresh air? A welcome retreat? True to yourself, and magnetically attractive? Do you know this in your bone-marrow to be true? And what else are you? It sounds to me like you are an empowered, interesting and thoughtful woman. What if you began to venture into the world with your badass self and took some bites out of the abundant yumminess, laughing as the crumbs fall around you (to be left for others)?

It seems to me this guy was enjoying a little ego boost (your attention) and the excitement of pushing the boundaries (wine lunches with another woman) and he wants to keep you interested and slightly confused so he can enjoy the soothing feeling of having your refreshing and attentive self across the table from him. I don’t blame him, you seem like a whip-smart, fun, and engaging person. Don’t demonize him for wanting your company (of course he wants it!). But, know that you get to decide if he is worthy of it, if you want to spend your valuable time with him, and invest in a relationship. Is he a person with integrity who can meet you fully and show up for you? From what I gather, the answer is ‘no, not really’.

But maybe he is meeting some need that you have, and so you'll take what you can get? Crumbs, I say. Of course you have needs, but they are worthy of more than crumbs.

Also, it seems to me you are forgetting yourself in this equation. What is it you love about him, exactly? You didn’t  mention that.

My advice to you: Expand your world to include many more experiences of getting out with people with whom you can connect. Make it your job. No more crumbs, you are looking for big meaty pie people. They are everywhere, so get out there and find them.

As for the bracelet, I suggest you sell it on ebay and take the money and purchase an experience for yourself. Do something that makes you feel alive. Take dance classes, join a dating site, get a concert ticket, throw a party, whatever feels right to you. Make sure it answers a call that comes from your heart.

When something BUGS you and PISSES you off, it’s because the mind is trying to make sense of it in terms of “How does this fit into a socially acceptable box?”  The truth is, it just doesn’t. Boxes are boring anyway. You have feelings for him, so work with them outside any boxes. What are the feelings? Name them. Where do you feel them? Where have you felt them before? What are the stories you are telling yourself about these feelings? Use the experience for your own launchpad of personal growth. Make an appointment with someone who can help you sort through this. That would be a great use for the money you will get from selling that bracelet!

You ask, “To what end?” I answer: To keep you coming around to assuage his ego. That’s all. He’s not a sociopath or an a-hole, he’s just a man with a needy ego. They are everywhere. Find a few that have awareness around their ego and hang out with them. That will be refreshing to you, a retreat for you. Find people who can be authentic with you, and invite them over for wine and conversation. Choose wisely.

Don’t let this guy drive your relationship bus. Get behind the driver’s wheel and take a spin for yourself. There is a big delicious world out there, full of interesting characters. Go drink wine with them, and maybe exchange a few kisses. Choose wisely, and be vulnerable, and drive your own bus. Say what you want and speak to what is happening, rather than interpreting it only in your mind. Bring it all to consciousness and muck around with honesty, vulnerability and kindness. It’s invigorating, and you are going to love it.

May you find big exciting love in all your relationships MUM,

Tia