Just Wanting Some Consistent Love

Dear Tia,

How can I get a smart woman to love me back? I fall so hard for women, and I love them so much, and yet it seems like nobody loves me as much as I love them. Every time I think, “this is it” I end up getting dumped. The women usually say more or less the same thing, which is some version of the following, “I am not ready to be in a long term relationship” or “You are too needy, I can’t give you everything you need” (this one has come up numerous times).

Sometimes we just end up fighting so much that it’s obvious we shouldn’t be together. However, I am incapable of walking away, I always call back, ask forgiveness and want to give it another try. I am sincere in this, but the problems always ricochet around again, we argue and I am accused of being too needy. What does that even mean, too needy? I want love, I want affection, I want someone to be with me always, isn’t that normal?

Thanks for helping me understand,

Just Wanting Some Consistent Love

Dear Just Wanting,

Yes Just, wanting consistent love is totally normal. Wanting love is the same as wanting air or food or water. We humans need love, in fact we can’t live without it. When we do have love in good measure, our lives become magic carpet rides. The only thing is Just, what you are talking about wanting isn’t so much love as it is a plea for someone to “make my life better”, “mend my misery”, “rescue me from my troublesome emotions”. Those requests sometimes feel like bids for love, but they are a distant cousin, they are not actual love.

Repetitive difficult patterns that show up in your intimate relationships are invitations to take a look at the common denominator, which is you, Just. Let’s start there.

I don’t know what your life was like when you were a kid. Did you experience unconditional love from someone? Parents? Grandparents? Another adult? Because that’s where the human foundation for understanding real love is created. Do you have a foundation, or are you trying to build one now? If you are constructing your own foundation so you can one day skillfully navigate the love labyrinth, I’ll offer a few ideas that may be helpful:

First, nobody can be everything to anybody.  It’s too much pressure for one person to meet all the love needs for another person. Humans must have many sources of love in order to get an ample dose. I’m not talking about polygamy, no. I’m talking about receiving love from family, neighbors, friends, and people who you trust and respect, including yourself. This is your village, full of your people who get you and think you are fabulous. Do you have something like that, Just? Because if you don’t, this could be your first big project.

Second, when you have been told that the relationship is over, and that you are too needy, it’s a form of self-respect to accept that and move on. Apologizing and offering to try again and again is simply punishment, for you. Returning to try to mend the relationship endlessly is a kind of masochistic groundhog day. Life will give you all the chances you need to get it right-enough with somebody. I invite you to let this one go and get ready to date anew.

Third, have you ever been in relationship counseling? I think it would be helpful to you. Teasing out what is happening, taking a look at your early messages about love that may be unconsciously working against you, and realizing it’s not your fault that you are messed up, but it is your fault that you stay messed up, could be super helpful. 

There is a way out of this, and the path is revealed hour by hour, as you sit on a couch, and work with someone who is skilled at holding up a metaphorical mirror so you can see yourself and the disempowering patterns you have fallen into. When you like what you see in that mirror, and you can love yourself most of the time, that’s when you are ready to enjoy a healthy relationship and give the whole love thing a go. Until then, be with friends and family who can offer you some kindness and connection, and keep that therapy appointment so you can eventually give yourself the love you’ve been searching for outside of yourself. When you can honestly enjoy your own company, you will know that someone else can as well.

Sincerely,
Tia

Jealous and Worried

Dear Tia,

I am a super jealous person. When my boyfriend looks at another girl, or talks to anyone on the phone, I can feel myself going into detective mode, looking for clues as to what is really going on, what he really thinks or feels about this other person. When I do this I get a particular look on my face, and it’s not attractive. I have a wrinkled forehead and a look of shock, like I’ve just been shunned and pushed out, and then I feel frustrated and angry. 

My boyfriend has begun to give up trying to convince me that there is nothing happening with him and any other women. When we first started dating he would behave in comforting and reassuring ways toward me, and try to prove he is 100% into our togetherness. Now he just looks annoyed when I ask about other girls and I can feel him drifting away.

Losing him is my worst fear, and I think it's already happening. How can I help my boyfriend understand that I'm jealous because I love him, and I want him to be close to me, and only me. How can I make him go back to reassuring me--I liked when he did that!.

It was more fun when he was trying, but now I feel like everything is crumbling. It makes me sad, but I can’t seem to help myself, I’m just a jealous person.

Thanks,

Jealous And Worried

Dear JAW,

You’ve fallen into the trap of believing that jealous behavior equals love. I’m so glad you’re asking for some help to spring this proverbial trap. You can get out of it, JAW, it is possible. 

Here is the thing I know about jealousy: it’s an unhealthy way to express your feelings. It has nothing to do with actual love and everything to do with fear and control. Sometimes controlling another person feels akin to love, but it’s not love, not at all. 

Have you heard the saying: 
“When you love someone, you want for them what they want for them” ? 
Can you imagine experiencing such non-attachment to a boyfriend?

The questions we hold in our mind are powerful indications of what we are going to find. What we look for, what we seek, we will eventually discover. I’m wondering, JAW, if you are a person standing in the shadows, looking for all the ways you have been wronged.

You said it yourself, “It’s my worst fear and I think it's already happening." You are on to yourself here JAW. You are seeing your part in this dynamic. Fear is making your decisions, clouding your vision, influencing all your actions.

When you go looking for proof of cheating, wrongdoing, or straying, you will eventually find it, or at the very least signs of it. What if you moved into the light and scanned the environment for all the ways that you are loved? Your struggle reminds me of the story about the Cherokee Elder talking to his grandson. Have you heard it?

ONE EVENING, AN ELDERLY

CHEROKEE SHAMAN TOLD HIS

GRANDSON ABOUT A BATTLE THAT

GOES ON INSIDE PEOPLE.

HE SAID "MY SON, THE BATTLE IS

BETWEEN TWO 'WOLVES' THAT LIVE INSIDE EACH OF US.

ONE IS HEAVY, IT REPRESENTS ANGER,

ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW,

REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE,

SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,

INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE,

SUPERIORITY, AND EGO.

THE OTHER IS LIGHT,

IT REPRESENTS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY,

HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE,

EMPATHY, GENEROSITY,

TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH."

THE GRANDSON THOUGHT ABOUT

IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED

HIS GRANDFATHER:

"WHICH WOLF WINS THE BATTLE?..."

THE OLD CHEROKEE REPLIED,

"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"

I can’t know for certain, but I feel your identity may be tied up with the idea of being a “person who is wronged”. If you define yourself in this way, it will become your truth. Our thoughts, it has been said, create our reality. Can you see how that might be true, JAW?

What if instead of being a person who is wronged, you envision yourself as a person who is loved? What if you began to change the way you define yourself to yourself? It couldn’t hurt to try. I invite you to scan your world noticing all the things go right every day. Take in all the ways that you are loved, appreciated and honored. Then, the expression you have on your face will change to something like grounded-ness, or contentment or--dare I say--happiness. People near you will have no choice but to respond to you in a new way.

Go ahead and try it with this particular boyfriend. If you two have moved on, begin your next relationship with this in mind. Imagine yourself going on a search for buried treasure, only it’s not buried, and the treasure is you.

Sincerely,
Tia

Feeling Controlled

Dear Tia,

My father is a very important person in my life. I love him dearly. However, I am starting to question my relationship with him as we aren’t getting along.

When I was in my early teens, he and my mom went on an extended trip. He asked my brother and me if we wanted our grandmother to stay with us, or if we’d prefer a friend of his who was a young, vibrant, fun-loving woman. We chose the fun, of course. Who wouldn’t?

While our parents were away, I had a great time with her, and we bonded.

That fall, I learned that my father was having an affair with the woman who stayed with us. I was shocked. I felt sick about it for a long time. I was in the 10th grade.

Somehow my father and mother stayed together for a few more years. But by the time I was in college my mom had kicked him out (his affair was ongoing) and he ended up living in his truck. He would come to the city where I was in school and take me to fancy restaurants. Then he would drink too much and sleep on my sofa. I liked having his attention, and it was fun, but it also felt weird.

That happened in the early 90s. At my wedding 10 years later, my dad was sobbing because he and my mom had finally settled in court, and he had lost his beloved home. My dad is a sentimental guy, and I felt for him because he was truly distraught. But, on my wedding day? He had to fall apart then? It seemed like even when it was about me, it was still about him.

Fast forward 15 years. I live in the same state as my father and I work for him. He had a nasty breakup with the previously mentioned girlfriend, and is now remarried to a different woman.

My question is this: Why do I keep circling back to my dad?  I’ve been through so much unhappiness with him, so much disappointment and misery. Why am I always compelled to return to him? I work for him, I try to please him, and I find it impossible to say ‘no’ to him. Please help me figure this out.  

Signed,

Feeling Controlled

Dear Feeling,

Dang girl, that is a tough road. You have been through the gauntlet with your dad, and I can reason from your letter that it’s been a test of your patience, your kindness, and your self-preservation. A couple things in your letter really jumped out at me, and I’d like to go through them one at a time.

First, let’s talk about the “fun dinners that were also weird”.

The feeling you mentioned, the weird one, is super important to acknowledge and take seriously. That feeling is a warning siren. When things feel that weird, you are experiencing incongruency. People feel these things like a stone in the gut, as I imagine you know. Such feelings are not to be ignored (although, sadly, they often are). When we override a powerful sensation of incongruence we are practically guaranteed a free ride on the misery train. Sometimes that trip takes just a few hours, but in your case it has been protracted. With your letter, you’re telling me about the years of slow-motion discomfort that you’ve been trying to make sense of, trying to accept as normal, trying to smile through.

Overriding the nagging sensation that something isn’t quite right will land you in an experience of cognitive dissonance. That’s when what you believe is true and what you are seeing as true do not match (imagination or belief vs. what you can see is true and real). In your case, Feeling, the incongruency comes from your thoughts about your dad vs. his actual behavior. I can’t be sure, but I’m pretty sure your dad gives you a constant stream of behaviors to overlook, ignore, or wave off, so you can continue to believe that he’s the awesome papa you want (or that you once had?). Could this be true?

Second, let’s talk about your wedding day, when it “seems like even when it’s about me, it’s still about him”. This was a powerful moment in your life, when the universe was nudging you and inviting you to see a moment of truth. The fact that you mention it in your letter makes me believe you may have know this was a potential turning point.  A dad misbehaving at his daughter’s wedding is nothing new, but your willingness to simply be exasperated about it, and not actually lay down the law to him about your non-negotiable expectation and specific marching orders to keep it together on your big, special day, makes me wonder if you have yet seen and accepted your dad for the fallible, ordinary human he is? He may need you to say, “Stand here, do this, say this, show up for me today or I will stab you in the thigh with my wedding-cake knife”. That last part was to get your attention. I know you would never do that. But thinking such a thing, and allowing the thought to spur you into action, well, that’s my point.

What if you made some demands? What if you stopped being reasonable and accommodating and nice, and got real? I’m not suggesting you punish your dad (although I get that you might want to….) I’m suggesting you begin to behave with deep self-respect. The interesting thing is this: when you begin to behave with self-respect, and put some good old fashioned healthy boundaries in place, and feel the power of “no” or “yes, but with these adjustments” you will find that your dad will be forced to see you in a different light. He will begin to see you as the powerful, clear, kind, and no-bullshit daughter that will sit him down and look him in the eye and ask him to be the best person he can be. And that role-reversal (I did the math, Feeling, so I know you are plenty ready and grown up enough for this turn of events) is often the natural state of affairs for this stage of life. I’m suggesting you tell him what you need from him, in no uncertain terms, and set him up with the details so he can succeed in giving them to you.

My guess is your dad will show up for you. I think he’s playing from an ancient rule book. I bet getting away with such ridiculous behavior doesn’t feel good to him, either. It’s your turn to drive the relationship bus, or at least make a few demanding turns. Not because you are difficult, but because it’s time to allow yourself have a day that is about you, with your dad looking on proud as punch that his girl has a voice she can use, a clarity she has earned, and a sensibility about what she wants and doesn’t want.  

This is about you, Feeling, and your need to know that you can carve out your own spectacular life, and receive your father’s blessing. So far you have lived without it, and you could continue to do that. We know you are tough. Since you wrote the letter, though, I think you want things to be different, and I feel certain they can be if you change a few things.

1. Learn about boundaries, how to recognize when you need them, and how to put them in place. This will take courage and voice, but you can summon those and do it.
2. Refuse to override your gut feelings of incongruence. Pay attention when ‘things feel weird’ and make adjustments. Make things how you want them to be. Do not avoid conflict. Say what you need to say.
3. Look at your dad without the dream of your dad. He is just a person, like everyone else. He is messy and chaotic and makes mistakes. Ask for what you need and forgive him for past nonsense. It is obvious to me that you are kind and generous. Forgiving him will set you free. It’s for you, not him.

I know you can do these things. You are stronger and wiser than you know.

Then, please tell me about it. Because I will be thinking of you, and I want to know how it unfolds.

Sincerely, 
Tia