Becoming Another Person

Dear Tia,

I have an identity problem.  Whoever I am with, whoever I was just with,

or whoever I am remembering, I  become that person--I mean I don’t actually become that person--but it feels like I step into their skin.  It happens more

often when I am present with someone, but I am able to do it just by thinking about someone.  It isn’t really a problem when I am with someone I admire.  In those situations, I am good like they are.

The problem is, I do it with everyone.  If I’m with a drug addict, I pretend that a drug addict is who I am.  I may even say that I have been into drugs in the past.  That is so far from the truth that I’m sure anyone who heard me say that would know it’s an obvious lie.  

I recently morphed while I was with a woman who was in an abusive relationship.  I took on the role of a man-hater and got all angry and righteous with her. I echoed her feelings of being shocked and confused that somehow she’s ended up in a relationship where getting pummeled is the norm.

I make sense of this behavior by reasoning that when I completely identify with another person, I am able to show empathy and possibly be of some help to them.

You might say this is a savior complex, not an identity issue. However, the truth is I don’t have ulterior motives. I really don’t think of myself as a savior/messiah.  It’s simply that when I’m with someone with a problem, I want to really feel that

problem so I can understand it fully.

But lately, I’ve begun to wonder if it has something to do with a lack of identity?

Do I feel that I don’t have a core self? Or perhaps I feel my inner self is too

plain and boring? Do I feel so little that when I am with, say, a criminal, it’s possible that he or she becomes a hero to me, a big interesting character that I can’t say ‘no’ to?

Can you help me to distinguish between all these selves?

Thank you,

Morphing Mama

Dear Morphing Mama,

It seems to me you have an enormous heart and you want to be of service. You’ve discovered that you have a tremendous gift: you’re able to step into someone else’s shoes and feel what they feel, see what they see,  and become them to a degree. The name for that particular experience is empathy, which you know, and you’ve got quite a talent for it.

I’ve known many people who have this ability, although none who have it quite to the extreme as you’ve described. In my experience, an empathic soul like you finds the morphing ability to be both a gift and a curse. This is partly true because there is no training for empaths in everyday life. When you look around, nowhere will you find this capability mirrored back to you in any way that expresses validation, or approval, or understanding. It’s unfortunate. And it means you must seek out and find your people and learn how to manage this all on your own. Finding your people, i.e: other naturally empathic souls, will be your saving grace.

From your letter it seems you aren’t a run of the mill human. You have some unique qualities that enrich your life, but also make it confusing, and challenging, and perhaps cause you to feel somewhat lost. I hear in your letter the question, “who am I?”

Who are you if you are a person who can meld into another person? Where is the authentic, fundamental truth of your individuality? How will you ever be able to claim your rightful place in this world until you know this?

These questions go beyond the scope of this letter. And yet, they are questions that will be a part of your ongoing intrinsic unfolding, probably forever. You are an inquiring, curious, and interested human being, this is obvious. You are also unafraid to step into the unknown. This, I believe, is your greatest asset.

Fear controls. Fear limits. Fear holds us hostage.

This doesn’t seem to apply to you.

It seems there is a part of you that longs for the unknown, the mystery. You are like an astronaut, except the universe you are meant to explore is human experience. Your space suit is your porousness. Your space ship is timelessness. Your job is to break through the boundaries that divide human experience, and eliminate the suffering that happens when people feel separate. What an incredible calling.

I think your letter also includes, “who am I, if I am able to be everyone?” This is is no small question, Diana.

My suggestion to you is this: become friendly with your core self. This could be through meditation, an experience of music, stillness, the natural world, whatever works for you. Perhaps you already have a practice of doing this.

Do it you must.

Your ability to cross into an experience of another is extraordinary. Yet, to find your way back,  you must have a breadcrumb path. You must be able to remember you, and keep a part of your awareness connected to you, as a personal lighthouse.

Re-member, meaning put yourself back together, all the parts of you that have been dis-membered so you can successfully meld and then re-connect. Dis-member, and then re-member. Do you have a conscious way of doing this?

If you are willy-nilly mind and body melding with others, you may occasionally find yourself stranded. This could be unsettling, to say the least. Finding your way back, this is your work. Begin marking the trail, familiarizing yourself with the trees, stars, sky, and other signs or navigational tools. Awareness is key, being awake enough every step of the way, so that you can take it all in, and use it going forward. Or backward, as the case may be.

I also suggest you find some avenues for connecting with others who are able to do this. Your question about whether you have an identity problem is a great one, and I wish I could just tell you the answer. But, that would ruin the journey of finding the answer for yourself.

-Check out Mystic Familiar, a website that includes links to forums where you can chat with people like you. The purpose of this is to learn from others who experience similar phenomena.

-Begin a practice where you are regularly connecting to your core self. The purpose of this is to get clear on what is you, and what is other.

-Be aware when you shift into ‘becoming’ someone else, and keep one part of your awareness connected to yourself. The purpose of this is to remain grounded in yourself while still welcoming any learning and generosity that might come from profound empathy.

-Journal about your experiences, so that you build the ability to articulate your experience. The purpose of this is to learn to use language to differentiate between self and other.

It is a beautiful thing to own such a gift, and work with it consciously, in service to yourself and others.

You are a gift just as you are,

Tia

Stepmonster

Dear Tia,

I could use your help. This is an old issue, but it’s acute right now. Here’s the deal: I am on vacation with my family (me, my husband and our two middle-school kids) in Alaska. We are visiting my dad and stepmother. My stepmother is now and always has been mean, vicious and verbally abusive.

While at their house in Alaska, she started insulting my youngest son, and I told her to stop. This turned into a heated argument and she displayed her usual colors by ridiculing my son for being too sensitive. My husband stood up and told our kids, “We’re leaving” and he brought them to a nearby hotel and checked in. 

I stuck around to try to talk it through, and that’s when my stepmother really went off, telling me what a horrible daughter I am. She said “You haven't been there for me or your father” while describing in detail how pathetic I am, and how I don’t bother to deal with anything, but just stick my head in the sand.

It isn't true. Nothing she says is even close to what is reality. But my dad believes her when she tells him I am the problem. I have tried for decades, but now I realize I  can't have a relationship with her. I know it’s hard to believe, but I have been setting boundaries and trying to find ways to be in a good relationship with her ever since I was a little girl. The worst thing is that if I make the move that is overdue, and break off my relationship with my stepmother, it means I will also have broken off my relationship with my dad.

As I left their house, she hollered at me that for the rest of our vacation they aren't talking to us. This is sad but she is crazy and everything that comes out of her mouth is vicious. My little sister lives here, and they barely see her because they disapprove of her husband. I need to be done for real this time.  How do I do that?

Inside, I am all tied up in knots. I know my dad and stepmother hate me and blame me for everything. I need to make the last 4 days of the vacation manageable for my family, and I am distraught and distracted. It’s an old familiar feeling, this being pushed out, wrong, and unwelcome.  

Also, my husband is pissed at me because I engaged in the same old way with my stepmother. My husband didn’t want to come on this trip. He’s seen what can happen and knows the horrible history with my stepmother. He wanted to go somewhere just as a family, and have fun together. I was adamant we needed to be with my family again. I wish I had listened to him. I’m stubborn and longing for a good relationship with my stepmother and my dad.

What is the way forward?

No Northern Lights, Just Blackness

----------------------------

Dear No Northern Lights,

First of all you are not crazy to feel distraught. What your stepmother is doing is cruel. She has no business telling your son he is too sensitive, and you were right to step in. Mama Bear is needed here. And your loyalty must always be with your kids.

Further, she is out of line telling you that you're a bad daughter. You may not be behaving in the ways she wants, and you may not be accommodating her needs and wants in the way she imagines is 'correct' but that's not your problem. She sounds like a profoundly sad and broken person, and she is casting blame around so that she doesn't have to carry it herself. If you take the blame, if you accept it and try to “mend your ways” to please her, you are perpetuating her cycle of neurotic behavior. You've been conditioned to believe that allowing her to load you up with her pain is a form of love. It isn't, it's a toxic form of control, and it's not even a distant cousin to love.

I can hear in your letter that the real hook for you is how you might lose your relationship with your dad. You love your dad, and it sounds like you are willing to walk through a firestorm to be with him. Your stepmother has jammed a wedge between you two. It's a sad story, this one, it’s a protracted nightmare. You’ve been living this miserable narrative for decades.

Love isn't supposed to hurt, but it seems from your letter that if you want even a crumb of your father's love and attention, you must endure a hefty dose of your stepmom’s venomous spew. It's not a fair contract. You are not being considered, you don't even have proper representation.

It's curious to me that your stepmother treats you all so badly, and then takes offense that you don't love her better. It’s truly crazy making. If you look up borderline personality disorder, you may learn a few things about your stepmother. This might be helpful to feel validated, to read something sensible about how challenging it is to have a relationship with someone with this particular diagnosis.

The cyclical nature of the relationship you have with your dad and stepmother has continued for enough years, and I sympathize with your husband, and feel his frustration. This scenario keeps unfolding in the same twisted way. You show up with good intentions, imagining that it will go differently this time somehow. And then the usual torment ensues, now with your own kids layered in, like buckshot blame- a smattering of sting for everyone. To expect anything to be different this time is a pipe dream. She isn’t likely to change, and so you will have to.

What can you do to protect yourself, your family, your sweet son? I know you said you've been setting up boundaries for years, but it seems to me you might be employing "Boundary Lite". I would go with the "Extra Heavy Duty Boundary". The extreme commercial grade boundary that allows you to call the shots, protect your family, and minimize opportunity for wounding. What exactly does this look like? I have some ideas, and I bet your husband does too. Here are some to get started;

-A meal together at a restaurant rather than their home--people behave better in public, usually.

-Time alone with your father--if this is possible, it would be ideal.

-Forgive the horrors for your own sake, for your own big-heartedness--yet don't be lured into the illusion that you can start fresh with her, she’s used up all her free passes.

-Any way your relationship changes will come from you, setting things up so you always have an an escape, a way to step out of the trap before you are maimed--you know the warning signs, heed them early.

-You sound like a kind person, so set up a way to show kindness to your stepmother. One that feels good to you will be important--you must have no expectation of changed behavior from her.

-Put your own family first, and make it clear to your father and stepmother that you will not sacrifice yourself, your kids, or your husband in the pursuit of a relationship with the two of them--maybe put this in a letter so there is no wiggle room.

I hope these ideas are helpful to you. They are simply suggestions, places to begin. Any true shifts must come from you, from your own clarity and determination to do things differently.

Meanwhile, it sounds like you are in Alaska for a few more days. Please do something spectacular with your husband and kids.. Hike up a mountain, eat amazing food, go fishing, stay up and watch the northern lights…..

Don't let the same old experience with your stepmother take center stage. Make some memories with your family and find a way to connect that isn't through sadness and disappointment and the usual disbelief that someone who professes to love you could be so cruel.

Step out into the beauty of the landscape, and let the hugeness of it remind you that you are surrounded by people who love you. Your family. The one you made yourself.

Believe down to your very molecules that you are loved by people who get you and aren’t asking you to show up differently.

You’ve got this.

Love,

Tia

Divorcing is the dark night of the soul

Dear Tia,

I am going through a difficult divorce. The most difficult part is looking at my own behavior in this miserable union and divorcing the old part of myself that used to be in that partnership. I have physically left the relationship but I am still standing in this familiar territory, with my co-dependent patterns, my addictions and my crippling self-doubt.

I wanted to make a quick turn-around, to prove to myself and to everyone else that the problem was and is and has always been him! But I know that’s not true.

This is a dark night for my ego, dear Tia, in which I am left to wrestle with my demons, look at my need for approval and face my disgusting thoughts about how I imagined I needed him to survive.

I need a quick fix! This transformation thing is getting old. I want my shiny new wings to unfurl NOW.

How much more time will it take? Am I done yet? How will I know...?

What am I missing here?

Signed,

Impatient and Ready To Fly

----------------------------

Dear Impatient Flyer:

Divorce. By the time a person decides they’re ready for the big D, the dream of ‘the other side’ has grown so compelling, it calls to you like a big beautiful lit up trap door that promises to eliminate all the crap you face daily. In this dream you get to emerge from the dark theater playing your horror film on a loop tape, and stumble into the warm sunshine. You pinch yourself while blinking back tears of joy, so relieved to be breathing fresh air, alone, in a beautiful world. The myth of the trap-door divorce is irresistible, a drunken daydream full of benevolent fairies making life easy.

If only it were so.

You nailed it when you said you must divorce an old part of yourself. Divorcing your partner is easy compared to that. Parts of yourself must be examined; you know, the parts that accommodated, enabled, numbed, and allowed the dysfunctional interactions? Well, that’s what you want to be 100% sure you recognize and name and discuss with your therapist and by all means don’t bundle up and drag along with you into future relationships.

In your letter, you begin to talk about taking personal responsibility, seeing your part, and dealing with it. How responsible of you, Impatient. How refreshing to see you have such integrity.

Your impatience is understandable. It’s also a form of resistance. There is no hurrying along this human development process. Sink into it like feet sinking into a sandy bottomed lake. It’s cold and the unknown is squishing between your toes. It’s exciting, and perhaps you feel exhilarated? Let yourself be surrounded by the truth of your unexamined shadows, your contribution to the messed up enterprise of marriage. Welcome the shadows, and bring your curiosity to the table. “What is this? And this? And this?” You have begun this never ending process, but impatience is stalling it.

If only you could see around corners. Alas, you are a “muggle”, and must be bashed over the head with your hard earned insight, just like the rest of us.

There is no quick turnaround. I encourage you to let it unfold. Meanwhile, find your best girlfriends, the ones who really get you, and head out into the wild to remember yourself. Who are you without the weight of a failing relationship? What do you love? What do you want? What dreams are still alive?

“This is a dark night for my ego, dear Tia, in which I am left to wrestle with my demons, look at my need for approval and face my disgusting thoughts about how I imagined I needed him to survive.”

Let’s look at this sentence. Yes, you are having a dark night of the ego, and wrestling with your demons. Yes, you are looking at your need for approval and facing thoughts you deem “disgusting”. The first part of this sentence is a great launch into honesty, kudos to your courage. I also invite you to be kinder to yourself. Labeling your thoughts about needing him as ‘disgusting’ is brutal. The truth is you did need him. You entered into a partnership believing that you both needed and wanted each other. Somewhere that went astray. That fact doesn’t make you weak or wrong or pathetic or disgusting.

Au contraire.

People need each other and you were willing to be vulnerable and hold your hand out in an open-hearted invitation for connection. That it wasn’t reciprocated, or didn’t last, isn’t on you. In a marriage, people are meant to be there for each other. That you expected such behavior doesn’t make you disgusting. It makes you a tender human.

What are your shiny new wings made of? All the new wings I’ve ever seen are made of mistakes and wounds and blood and regret and wrong turns and messiness and tears and fear and loneliness. Those gnarly ingredients get transformed by some mysterious alchemical process into wings, stamped with red letters spelling out the words “fresh start” on the edges.

There is no arrival in this human development process. Lucky for us, we get to unfold into another unfolding, and learn all along the way, until we go tits up.

You ask, “what am I missing?”. I don’t have the answer. I only want to invite you to not miss anything. Welcome it all.

Even when you are feeling impatient, invite that in too. When you want to fly, run to the woods or to the lake, and sink into the mystery of that beauty, connect it to your beauty. Use the energy bound up in your impatience to make your life how you want it to be. Don’t miss a thing. Every minute is yours. Don’t wish it away. It’s all here for you.

Love,

Tia