Dear Tia,
I never imagined it would be like this, but here I am. I have two kids and I’ve been a devoted mother. It’s not always been easy, but it’s been an honor to be a mother to my two boys. Now, they’ve both left home and I am freaking out with spontaneous crying in the grocery aisle, staring into space, no motivation. It looks like depression, but I’ve been depressed, and this is different. I am sadder than I can ever remember being.
Yes, I saw it coming, yes I prepared for it, yes I’ve seen friends go through empty nesting (I thought it was sweet). Yes, I minimized this experience. You don’t know what you don’t know, right? It’s searing grief.
Who am I without my kids at home? How do I structure my day? What’s my reason for getting out of bed? No, I’m not rocking myself on the floor, but I’m in a fog with an aching heart. How long will this last? How do I pull myself together?
Why didn’t I know how brutal this would be?
Thanks for any help.
Lost Mama Bear
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Dear Bear,
The things nobody talks about, we could write a book, yes? Or, is it that we don’t really hear, because we can’t imagine? Either way, the information is missed. And BAM, life gets real when the kids leave home. Quietly, hauntingly real.
Bringing a tiny human into the world is the beginning of a mind-blowing journey. We focus on childbirth and baby care, and the truth is we get the baby for what feels like 5 minutes, and then he becomes an autonomous, thinking, opinionated individual with his own callings and longings and ways of being. He separates from the moment he emerges from the birth canal. Parenting is just one long drawn out experience of goodbye.
Okay, that’s a little dramatic, but still. You get my drift.
It’s tempting to think of the little ankle-biter as an extension of you, because that’s what it feels like, especially when he is nursing, or sleeping on you, or insisting to be strapped onto your back while you go about your day.
But that little soul is his own expression of life, and as a parent you get to welcome all the mystery and individuality, while witnessing the unfolding of his unique developing self.
While you are giving everything to take care of this being (the task requires no less of you than absolutely everything), it’s important to stay connected to yourself, because you will need that self later, when your child marches out the door to explore the world and you aren’t invited to come along (if you are invited, I suggest you do not to go).
Have you kept a thread to your inner landscape during all these years of serving your children? Even if you have not been aware of it, I invite you to take a slow look around, and see if you can locate that thread.
If you can’t find it, ask for help from those who love you. Welcome their perspective, allowing them to nudge you back to yourself. Sometimes others can see us better than we can see ourselves; it has to do with perspective, forest for the trees, you get it.
What has spun your prop in the past? What captures your imagination? Those are the things you want to move toward in order to remember yourself. It’s work, yes, but it’s fun work. Get playful. Give yourself permission to enjoy this process of reconnection.
As you do, you’re teaching your kids to always hold a spot for themselves while they construct their lives, find partners, become parents. As you reclaim a sweet spot for yourself in the center of your life, you are modeling for your boys what it looks like to remain true to yourself.
Research has been done, Mama Bear, and the arrows point toward approximately a year of being in transition before things settle into a new normal.
Meanwhile, I suggest:
--Create a community around you where you can be real, share your feelings, and ask for support. It takes a village to raise a kid, and sometimes the village needs to serve YOU.
--Remember what you loved back in the day, and give it a go. If the magic is gone, try new things. Find hobbies that make you feel alive... traveling, cooking, hiking, writing, welding, motorcycling.
--Love your boys, but don’t rely on them for your emotional needs. Let space come in so they experience a longing to reconnect with you.
--Feel proud that you’ve raised boys that are entering the world and crafting their own lives. That’s the goal, self-sufficient adults, right? So let them be self-sufficient.
--Be kind to yourself. Parenting is an experience of giving giving giving. Let yourself receive. A pedicure, massage, trip, therapy session, something where you are receiving without an expectation of giving.
Welcome to the new chapter of your life, Mama Bear. It looks totally different than the last one, and it’s full of possibility. Be sad when you are sad, and when it passes find the beauty that’s here for you.
Your boys are lucky to have you, and now the world is lucky to have your gifts with some free time to spare.
You’re going to rock this,
Tia
