Just Wanting Some Consistent Love

Dear Tia,

How can I get a smart woman to love me back? I fall so hard for women, and I love them so much, and yet it seems like nobody loves me as much as I love them. Every time I think, “this is it” I end up getting dumped. The women usually say more or less the same thing, which is some version of the following, “I am not ready to be in a long term relationship” or “You are too needy, I can’t give you everything you need” (this one has come up numerous times).

Sometimes we just end up fighting so much that it’s obvious we shouldn’t be together. However, I am incapable of walking away, I always call back, ask forgiveness and want to give it another try. I am sincere in this, but the problems always ricochet around again, we argue and I am accused of being too needy. What does that even mean, too needy? I want love, I want affection, I want someone to be with me always, isn’t that normal?

Thanks for helping me understand,

Just Wanting Some Consistent Love

Dear Just Wanting,

Yes Just, wanting consistent love is totally normal. Wanting love is the same as wanting air or food or water. We humans need love, in fact we can’t live without it. When we do have love in good measure, our lives become magic carpet rides. The only thing is Just, what you are talking about wanting isn’t so much love as it is a plea for someone to “make my life better”, “mend my misery”, “rescue me from my troublesome emotions”. Those requests sometimes feel like bids for love, but they are a distant cousin, they are not actual love.

Repetitive difficult patterns that show up in your intimate relationships are invitations to take a look at the common denominator, which is you, Just. Let’s start there.

I don’t know what your life was like when you were a kid. Did you experience unconditional love from someone? Parents? Grandparents? Another adult? Because that’s where the human foundation for understanding real love is created. Do you have a foundation, or are you trying to build one now? If you are constructing your own foundation so you can one day skillfully navigate the love labyrinth, I’ll offer a few ideas that may be helpful:

First, nobody can be everything to anybody.  It’s too much pressure for one person to meet all the love needs for another person. Humans must have many sources of love in order to get an ample dose. I’m not talking about polygamy, no. I’m talking about receiving love from family, neighbors, friends, and people who you trust and respect, including yourself. This is your village, full of your people who get you and think you are fabulous. Do you have something like that, Just? Because if you don’t, this could be your first big project.

Second, when you have been told that the relationship is over, and that you are too needy, it’s a form of self-respect to accept that and move on. Apologizing and offering to try again and again is simply punishment, for you. Returning to try to mend the relationship endlessly is a kind of masochistic groundhog day. Life will give you all the chances you need to get it right-enough with somebody. I invite you to let this one go and get ready to date anew.

Third, have you ever been in relationship counseling? I think it would be helpful to you. Teasing out what is happening, taking a look at your early messages about love that may be unconsciously working against you, and realizing it’s not your fault that you are messed up, but it is your fault that you stay messed up, could be super helpful. 

There is a way out of this, and the path is revealed hour by hour, as you sit on a couch, and work with someone who is skilled at holding up a metaphorical mirror so you can see yourself and the disempowering patterns you have fallen into. When you like what you see in that mirror, and you can love yourself most of the time, that’s when you are ready to enjoy a healthy relationship and give the whole love thing a go. Until then, be with friends and family who can offer you some kindness and connection, and keep that therapy appointment so you can eventually give yourself the love you’ve been searching for outside of yourself. When you can honestly enjoy your own company, you will know that someone else can as well.

Sincerely,
Tia