Dear Tia,
I am a super jealous person. When my boyfriend looks at another girl, or talks to anyone on the phone, I can feel myself going into detective mode, looking for clues as to what is really going on, what he really thinks or feels about this other person. When I do this I get a particular look on my face, and it’s not attractive. I have a wrinkled forehead and a look of shock, like I’ve just been shunned and pushed out, and then I feel frustrated and angry.
My boyfriend has begun to give up trying to convince me that there is nothing happening with him and any other women. When we first started dating he would behave in comforting and reassuring ways toward me, and try to prove he is 100% into our togetherness. Now he just looks annoyed when I ask about other girls and I can feel him drifting away.
My boyfriend has begun to give up trying to convince me that there is nothing happening with him and any other women. When we first started dating he would behave in comforting and reassuring ways toward me, and try to prove he is 100% into our togetherness. Now he just looks annoyed when I ask about other girls and I can feel him drifting away.
Losing him is my worst fear, and I think it's already happening. How can I help my boyfriend understand that I'm jealous because I love him, and I want him to be close to me, and only me. How can I make him go back to reassuring me--I liked when he did that!.
It was more fun when he was trying, but now I feel like everything is crumbling. It makes me sad, but I can’t seem to help myself, I’m just a jealous person.
Thanks,
Jealous And Worried
Dear JAW,
You’ve fallen into the trap of believing that jealous behavior equals love. I’m so glad you’re asking for some help to spring this proverbial trap. You can get out of it, JAW, it is possible.
Here is the thing I know about jealousy: it’s an unhealthy way to express your feelings. It has nothing to do with actual love and everything to do with fear and control. Sometimes controlling another person feels akin to love, but it’s not love, not at all.
Have you heard the saying:
“When you love someone, you want for them what they want for them” ?
Can you imagine experiencing such non-attachment to a boyfriend?
Here is the thing I know about jealousy: it’s an unhealthy way to express your feelings. It has nothing to do with actual love and everything to do with fear and control. Sometimes controlling another person feels akin to love, but it’s not love, not at all.
Have you heard the saying:
“When you love someone, you want for them what they want for them” ?
Can you imagine experiencing such non-attachment to a boyfriend?
The questions we hold in our mind are powerful indications of what we are going to find. What we look for, what we seek, we will eventually discover. I’m wondering, JAW, if you are a person standing in the shadows, looking for all the ways you have been wronged.
You said it yourself, “It’s my worst fear and I think it's already happening." You are on to yourself here JAW. You are seeing your part in this dynamic. Fear is making your decisions, clouding your vision, influencing all your actions.
When you go looking for proof of cheating, wrongdoing, or straying, you will eventually find it, or at the very least signs of it. What if you moved into the light and scanned the environment for all the ways that you are loved? Your struggle reminds me of the story about the Cherokee Elder talking to his grandson. Have you heard it?
You said it yourself, “It’s my worst fear and I think it's already happening." You are on to yourself here JAW. You are seeing your part in this dynamic. Fear is making your decisions, clouding your vision, influencing all your actions.
When you go looking for proof of cheating, wrongdoing, or straying, you will eventually find it, or at the very least signs of it. What if you moved into the light and scanned the environment for all the ways that you are loved? Your struggle reminds me of the story about the Cherokee Elder talking to his grandson. Have you heard it?
ONE EVENING, AN ELDERLY
CHEROKEE SHAMAN TOLD HIS
GRANDSON ABOUT A BATTLE THAT
GOES ON INSIDE PEOPLE.
HE SAID "MY SON, THE BATTLE IS
BETWEEN TWO 'WOLVES' THAT LIVE INSIDE EACH OF US.
ONE IS HEAVY, IT REPRESENTS ANGER,
ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE,
SUPERIORITY, AND EGO.
THE OTHER IS LIGHT,
IT REPRESENTS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY,
HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE,
EMPATHY, GENEROSITY,
TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH."
THE GRANDSON THOUGHT ABOUT
IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED
HIS GRANDFATHER:
"WHICH WOLF WINS THE BATTLE?..."
THE OLD CHEROKEE REPLIED,
"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"
I can’t know for certain, but I feel your identity may be tied up with the idea of being a “person who is wronged”. If you define yourself in this way, it will become your truth. Our thoughts, it has been said, create our reality. Can you see how that might be true, JAW?
What if instead of being a person who is wronged, you envision yourself as a person who is loved? What if you began to change the way you define yourself to yourself? It couldn’t hurt to try. I invite you to scan your world noticing all the things go right every day. Take in all the ways that you are loved, appreciated and honored. Then, the expression you have on your face will change to something like grounded-ness, or contentment or--dare I say--happiness. People near you will have no choice but to respond to you in a new way.
Go ahead and try it with this particular boyfriend. If you two have moved on, begin your next relationship with this in mind. Imagine yourself going on a search for buried treasure, only it’s not buried, and the treasure is you.
Sincerely,
Tia
No comments:
Post a Comment