Becoming Another Person

Dear Tia,

I have an identity problem.  Whoever I am with, whoever I was just with,

or whoever I am remembering, I  become that person--I mean I don’t actually become that person--but it feels like I step into their skin.  It happens more

often when I am present with someone, but I am able to do it just by thinking about someone.  It isn’t really a problem when I am with someone I admire.  In those situations, I am good like they are.

The problem is, I do it with everyone.  If I’m with a drug addict, I pretend that a drug addict is who I am.  I may even say that I have been into drugs in the past.  That is so far from the truth that I’m sure anyone who heard me say that would know it’s an obvious lie.  

I recently morphed while I was with a woman who was in an abusive relationship.  I took on the role of a man-hater and got all angry and righteous with her. I echoed her feelings of being shocked and confused that somehow she’s ended up in a relationship where getting pummeled is the norm.

I make sense of this behavior by reasoning that when I completely identify with another person, I am able to show empathy and possibly be of some help to them.

You might say this is a savior complex, not an identity issue. However, the truth is I don’t have ulterior motives. I really don’t think of myself as a savior/messiah.  It’s simply that when I’m with someone with a problem, I want to really feel that

problem so I can understand it fully.

But lately, I’ve begun to wonder if it has something to do with a lack of identity?

Do I feel that I don’t have a core self? Or perhaps I feel my inner self is too

plain and boring? Do I feel so little that when I am with, say, a criminal, it’s possible that he or she becomes a hero to me, a big interesting character that I can’t say ‘no’ to?

Can you help me to distinguish between all these selves?

Thank you,

Morphing Mama

Dear Morphing Mama,

It seems to me you have an enormous heart and you want to be of service. You’ve discovered that you have a tremendous gift: you’re able to step into someone else’s shoes and feel what they feel, see what they see,  and become them to a degree. The name for that particular experience is empathy, which you know, and you’ve got quite a talent for it.

I’ve known many people who have this ability, although none who have it quite to the extreme as you’ve described. In my experience, an empathic soul like you finds the morphing ability to be both a gift and a curse. This is partly true because there is no training for empaths in everyday life. When you look around, nowhere will you find this capability mirrored back to you in any way that expresses validation, or approval, or understanding. It’s unfortunate. And it means you must seek out and find your people and learn how to manage this all on your own. Finding your people, i.e: other naturally empathic souls, will be your saving grace.

From your letter it seems you aren’t a run of the mill human. You have some unique qualities that enrich your life, but also make it confusing, and challenging, and perhaps cause you to feel somewhat lost. I hear in your letter the question, “who am I?”

Who are you if you are a person who can meld into another person? Where is the authentic, fundamental truth of your individuality? How will you ever be able to claim your rightful place in this world until you know this?

These questions go beyond the scope of this letter. And yet, they are questions that will be a part of your ongoing intrinsic unfolding, probably forever. You are an inquiring, curious, and interested human being, this is obvious. You are also unafraid to step into the unknown. This, I believe, is your greatest asset.

Fear controls. Fear limits. Fear holds us hostage.

This doesn’t seem to apply to you.

It seems there is a part of you that longs for the unknown, the mystery. You are like an astronaut, except the universe you are meant to explore is human experience. Your space suit is your porousness. Your space ship is timelessness. Your job is to break through the boundaries that divide human experience, and eliminate the suffering that happens when people feel separate. What an incredible calling.

I think your letter also includes, “who am I, if I am able to be everyone?” This is is no small question, Diana.

My suggestion to you is this: become friendly with your core self. This could be through meditation, an experience of music, stillness, the natural world, whatever works for you. Perhaps you already have a practice of doing this.

Do it you must.

Your ability to cross into an experience of another is extraordinary. Yet, to find your way back,  you must have a breadcrumb path. You must be able to remember you, and keep a part of your awareness connected to you, as a personal lighthouse.

Re-member, meaning put yourself back together, all the parts of you that have been dis-membered so you can successfully meld and then re-connect. Dis-member, and then re-member. Do you have a conscious way of doing this?

If you are willy-nilly mind and body melding with others, you may occasionally find yourself stranded. This could be unsettling, to say the least. Finding your way back, this is your work. Begin marking the trail, familiarizing yourself with the trees, stars, sky, and other signs or navigational tools. Awareness is key, being awake enough every step of the way, so that you can take it all in, and use it going forward. Or backward, as the case may be.

I also suggest you find some avenues for connecting with others who are able to do this. Your question about whether you have an identity problem is a great one, and I wish I could just tell you the answer. But, that would ruin the journey of finding the answer for yourself.

-Check out Mystic Familiar, a website that includes links to forums where you can chat with people like you. The purpose of this is to learn from others who experience similar phenomena.

-Begin a practice where you are regularly connecting to your core self. The purpose of this is to get clear on what is you, and what is other.

-Be aware when you shift into ‘becoming’ someone else, and keep one part of your awareness connected to yourself. The purpose of this is to remain grounded in yourself while still welcoming any learning and generosity that might come from profound empathy.

-Journal about your experiences, so that you build the ability to articulate your experience. The purpose of this is to learn to use language to differentiate between self and other.

It is a beautiful thing to own such a gift, and work with it consciously, in service to yourself and others.

You are a gift just as you are,

Tia