Dear Tia,

My father remarried ten years after my mom died. My stepmother is nice, and I can tell they are good for each other. My point is I have no beef with her, per se. But my dad has let me know that he plans to leave her everything—his house, his business, his real estate. I am talking about the home he bought with my mother, the home where I was raised. And the business he built while my mom was tending to the day to day demands of parenting me and my siblings. Meanwhile, my stepmother’s father left her plenty when he died, I know she’s not hurting for money.

It’s hard not to take this personally, especially since my relationship with my dad has been difficult after the death of my mom. She was the glue. He’s made it hard to stay connected, but I’ve worked to do so because he’s my dad, after all. It’s hard for me to accept that because my mom died and he remarried, myself and my family (his grandkids!) won’t be receiving any inheritance when he dies. I’m not going to lie, it feels like a big fat “screw you.” I try to not be materialistic, but this one is really, really hard. How do I accept this without resentment?

Trying and Failing to be Zen

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Dear Failing Zen,

The inheritance. The relationship. The inheritance. The relationship. They get so polarized, or intertwined, or probably both….

It’s hard not to think of all the problems that might disappear if you received that inheritance. And then there’s the relationship, with your father, the only parent remaining in your life.

Let’s not forget the stepmother. Who gets it all. God, it’s so cliche I bet it’s hard not to roll your eyes. And what a tough pill to swallow. You say, “I try not to be materialistic, but this one is really really hard.” Yes. The hardest. You ask, “How do I accept this without resentment?” Great question. It may not be possible to avoid resentment.

And, accept it you must. You’ve heard the saying, “What you resist, persists” ?? Resisting the truth that it’s his choice to do what he wants with his life collections will only make you crazy.

Let’s unpack this question: What does it mean to be materialistic? What does it mean to care about and maybe even want nice things? And be able to pay bills and take care of your family without sacrificing your health, time, sanity? Is it materialistic to want a cushion so that when things go wrong (and they will) you’ll have some breathing room, a little safety net?

Of course only you can answer that, but my guess is you are going round and round in your mind, justifying the things you want (not greedy!) and the things you deserve (I’m the daughter! I have the grandkids!) and all of it only fuels your crazy-making because it’s still his choice.

You are being asked by life to get introspective, to consider what it means to be (really, seriously and completely) not attached to getting what you want. Non-attachment, what it is NOT: “not caring” nor “not giving a shit” nor waving your hand with an attitude of “whatever.”

Non-attachment goes deeper than all that. It is the conscious unhooking of yourself from expectation. And it’s a mindset that sets you free. How? By allowing you to live right here, right now, in this moment. It eliminates the, “what if” and “if only” and future thinking that plays out the hamster wheel narrative where you get screwed.

You’re presently in a life situation where you get to deeply examine what it means to have a relationship with your father and connect to him simply for the purpose of nourishing the father-daughter relationship, without muddying the interaction with the possibility of an inheritance.

The word ‘inheritance’ could be interchangeable with ‘safety’, yes? And safety is an illusion. Money can’t buy you safety. It can solve some problems, but often it creates as many problems as it solves. What if your dad had no money, no property, no businesses? What would your relationship be like then? How would you be holding that relationship in your heart or your mind? I bet it would be different. Softer. Less complicated. Money complicates relationships and often it means the magic that could exist between the two of you gets missed.

Can you see your father without the lens of inheritance, without the bitter pill or the feeling of being unfairly treated? He will be gone soon, and with or without the money, the relationship between you two will be a memory.

Make the relationship how you want it to be, and don’t worry about the money. You don’t know how the future will unfold. Nobody does. There is no use sacrificing any sliver of love that might exist between you because of some financial windfall, or the lack of one. Life is uncertain. You don’t know who will die first. The step-mom, your dad, maybe you will go first. Perhaps you get something, and maybe you don’t, but meanwhile you must live your life with integrity.

Stop trying to not be materialistic and focus on the relationship.  Be the warrior of love that you are, and show the world your big huge heart. Go all out with it, and whatever happens, so be it. Don’t let money ruin your relationship. Take that toxic nonsense out of it.

All you have is now. You, the family you made, your dad, and the memory of your mom. It’s enough.

With Love,

Tia

Mixed Up Mel

Hey Tia,

You seem like a straight shooter. I need your truthful wise counsel. I am in my early 50's.

I recently reconnected with a man who had previously been married to a high school friend of mine. They divorced 15 years ago and we had lost touch.

Long story short, at the time of our reconnecting he had a long time girlfriend, 20 years younger than him, and I got the impression that the relationship had a shelf life. He and I had a few lunches, had some wine together, all friendly, but there were a few confusing kisses (not make-out sessions), comments he made that I was a "breath of fresh air", a "welcome retreat", that I was true to myself which made me so attractive.

Anyway, even though I knew he was in a relationship (8+ years, living together), I was vulnerable, let my guard down and I developed feelings for him.

I finally told him that even though I knew his context, I had fallen in love with him. And I gracefully bowed out of his life earlier this year.

After months of no communication, he texted me on my birthday. I told him I was out of town. He texted back and said he'd left something on my doorstep.

When I got home, he had left a lovely card, with the word "friend" clearly communicated in its sentiment. He wrote that he'd "love to share a glass of wine and catch up". Catch up on what? If I still loved him?

Anyway, it was the gift that threw me into a tailspin. He bought me a BRACELET. It is beautiful - silver hoops connected and there are cubic zirconia stones interspersed all around. He got me jewelry???

The next day, I simply thanked him for the card and gift (I didn't even refer to it as a bracelet) and it was nice to be remembered. I did not bite on the wine idea. He wrote back and told me I was welcome and he wrote this: "I love the bracelet. It's simple, yet fun and elegant." I don't know about you, Tia, but that sounds like a guy who put some thought into a gift to give to a woman who was vulnerable (brave!) enough to express her feelings - with no expectations and then faded into the shadows.

He's still with his girlfriend. And I still have a bracelet that I will never wear. My first inclination was to graciously return it to him, but that just seems like drama to me. At present, I intend to give it to my longest, best girlfriend who will wear it with care.

But it BOTHERS me...BUGS me...pisses me OFF that he bought me a bracelet! What the...? Is he that guileless or DAFT? To what end?

Anyway...thought I'd run it past you. Got any "aunt-like" insights or advice?

Mixed Up Mel

Hi MUM!

Thank you for your letter. And thanks for the ‘straight shooter’ compliment. I super appreciate it! I do like to call things like I see them. I’ll do that with your letter, so please take what feels usable and put the rest aside for future consideration.

There are a few things that stand out to me. Let’s start with the “I let my guard down and developed feelings for him.”  The idea that we have the ability to control the very human and completely natural experience of developing feelings for someone is a myth. First of all, we are developing feelings for everyone all the time, every second, and this is a huge gift that comes with being human. Don't try to control or avoid this gift. Embrace it. Welcome it. We are here to connect. Keep your guard down enough to really feel. The problems arise when we try to interpret what those feelings mean. More on that later.

Yes, he is in a relationship and the rules of our culture say it’s not okay to connect to him, yes he is crossing a boundary and it would prbably be hurtful to his girlfriend if she knew. Yes, you are allowing it (hence you are partially responsible) by saying yes to wine and lunch and kisses. But, all that aside, you are just two people enjoying each other’s company. Yes?

Except. Your mind is asking the question…...what does this mean??? This is where you get into a mess. The pesky mind is always trying to make meaning out of things. It wants things to fit into culturally sanctioned boxes. The experience with this man doesn’t fit in a way that your mind can settle with. It is outside of culturally sanctioned behavior. How can you be okay with that fact? It is liberating to allow yourself the freedom to do what you want, and yet it can also cause regret, or guilt, or harsh judgement of yourself or your friend. Being aware of which rules you are breaking and why is helpful. Going into things with your eyes wide open is healthier than behaving with impulses from the unconscious mind. This is a challenge, to balance 'doing what you want' with 'being responsible'. But, I think you are up for a challenge. The key is self awareness, conscious choice, and no expectation.

One other thing, and this is my straight shooting interpretation:  This man is throwing you some emotionally loaded crumbs and you are gathering them up, trying to make a feast. This is the larger point I’d like to stress. If life is a banquet of deliciousness, and there are yummy treats all around, why settle for some crumbs?

Do you believe that you are a breath of fresh air? A welcome retreat? True to yourself, and magnetically attractive? Do you know this in your bone-marrow to be true? And what else are you? It sounds to me like you are an empowered, interesting and thoughtful woman. What if you began to venture into the world with your badass self and took some bites out of the abundant yumminess, laughing as the crumbs fall around you (to be left for others)?

It seems to me this guy was enjoying a little ego boost (your attention) and the excitement of pushing the boundaries (wine lunches with another woman) and he wants to keep you interested and slightly confused so he can enjoy the soothing feeling of having your refreshing and attentive self across the table from him. I don’t blame him, you seem like a whip-smart, fun, and engaging person. Don’t demonize him for wanting your company (of course he wants it!). But, know that you get to decide if he is worthy of it, if you want to spend your valuable time with him, and invest in a relationship. Is he a person with integrity who can meet you fully and show up for you? From what I gather, the answer is ‘no, not really’.

But maybe he is meeting some need that you have, and so you'll take what you can get? Crumbs, I say. Of course you have needs, but they are worthy of more than crumbs.

Also, it seems to me you are forgetting yourself in this equation. What is it you love about him, exactly? You didn’t  mention that.

My advice to you: Expand your world to include many more experiences of getting out with people with whom you can connect. Make it your job. No more crumbs, you are looking for big meaty pie people. They are everywhere, so get out there and find them.

As for the bracelet, I suggest you sell it on ebay and take the money and purchase an experience for yourself. Do something that makes you feel alive. Take dance classes, join a dating site, get a concert ticket, throw a party, whatever feels right to you. Make sure it answers a call that comes from your heart.

When something BUGS you and PISSES you off, it’s because the mind is trying to make sense of it in terms of “How does this fit into a socially acceptable box?”  The truth is, it just doesn’t. Boxes are boring anyway. You have feelings for him, so work with them outside any boxes. What are the feelings? Name them. Where do you feel them? Where have you felt them before? What are the stories you are telling yourself about these feelings? Use the experience for your own launchpad of personal growth. Make an appointment with someone who can help you sort through this. That would be a great use for the money you will get from selling that bracelet!

You ask, “To what end?” I answer: To keep you coming around to assuage his ego. That’s all. He’s not a sociopath or an a-hole, he’s just a man with a needy ego. They are everywhere. Find a few that have awareness around their ego and hang out with them. That will be refreshing to you, a retreat for you. Find people who can be authentic with you, and invite them over for wine and conversation. Choose wisely.

Don’t let this guy drive your relationship bus. Get behind the driver’s wheel and take a spin for yourself. There is a big delicious world out there, full of interesting characters. Go drink wine with them, and maybe exchange a few kisses. Choose wisely, and be vulnerable, and drive your own bus. Say what you want and speak to what is happening, rather than interpreting it only in your mind. Bring it all to consciousness and muck around with honesty, vulnerability and kindness. It’s invigorating, and you are going to love it.

May you find big exciting love in all your relationships MUM,

Tia

Chasm Dweller

Dear Tia -

About three months ago my dad died after a brief bout with cancer.

Aside from the grief of losing him which is a story in itself, when he died he was fully involved in a variety of complex businesses as both an owner and a partner.

In order to deal with the businesses and help my 85 year old mom, who is struggling with all facets of this sad event, I quit my job and moved 200 miles from home.

The business transitions will take about a year to sort through. Not every day is filled with meetings, which leaves lots of time to grieve, exercise, read, and putter with my mom.

I recognize we are in a new-normal but I feel like I have lost my true north. I don’t know what I want to do now or in the future, I live moment by moment trying to get the best out of it and get done what needs to be done. The business has it's own cycle of forward movement, and it happens to be intense and quite grueling work.

Being 200 miles away from my home and life-partner, friends, connections, and routines makes me feel out of sorts. I know this situation is temporary, and I do go back to my home regularly, yet I feel like there is no familiar ground. I do not have any idea what I’ll do when this gets sorted out. Nothing is calling right now, and in the midst of grief and being skilled about anything in my father's business and having to sort it out day by day, I feel as if I am in the middle of the chasm -- I am not here or there. I'm uncertain about returning to my previous career even when future circumstances might allow.

How do I find myself in this swirling mess? Or, do you believe at some point I will simply know, and I must be patient and loving with myself until that time arises?

Love,

Chasm Dweller

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Dear Chasm Dweller,

Grief distorts everything. You have lost a beloved parent, and are awash in the experience of goodbye. And maybe you are considering some of the existential questions; What is death? Spirit? Soul? What is this shifting of form?

This experience ushers you out of the everyday, out of routine, out of being in your relationships in the expected way. You are changed.

Being fully present with the changes is the journey you don’t want to miss. Coax meaning out of this time, accept unexpected drops of insight. All of it comes laced with grief and the unknown and hard work and exhaustion, yes, but there are also gems.

I think you have an inkling of this already: The only way out is through.

How extensive is this unknown path? How dark and lonely? That’s the mystery, Chasm, that’s what nobody can answer for you. Being fully immersed in it is your only work.

How marvelous that you get to be with your 85 year old mom during this time, that you’re able to leave your job and partner and routine and respond fully to this experience of goodbye. Do you feel the marvel in it?

You say, “I’ve lost my true north” describing what it feels like to be entirely disoriented. Everything has changed. How do you find your footing again? How do you re-balance yourself in this new world?

You are wise, Chasm. Your last paragraph answers your own questions. You already know what you need to know. I think the only missing ingredient is trust. Do you trust what you know?

You say, “Do you believe at some point I will simply know, and I must be patient and loving with myself until that time arises?”

My answer to this question is a gigantic YES.

Meanwhile you will be puttering with your mom, and reading, and cooking and organizing and imagining, and something will arise within you, from this chasm place, and you will reorient.

I don’t know exactly how or when this moment will arise, but I am certain it will. I invite you to borrow all the certainty you need from me until you have found and harvested your own. In times of grief and profound change, your community of support is there to offer you what you need, on loan. I’m honored to be a part of that community.

As you walk with your grief, notice what comes forward. Keep your eyes open with a soft focus. Don’t pressure yourself to know or understand or grasp answers. Be in this chasm space with your mom and share it with others through writing, poems, calls or long walks. Create ritual so that your movements and meals and daily activities allow room for meaning, and connection. To spirit. To self. To each other. The chasm, as scary as it sounds, is also a gift. Share it with others, let it impact you and your circle of friends.

This particular experience will never come again. It’s painful and beautiful. Being with your mom during this time is poignant, yes? Let it all in. You don’t have to know what you will do later. And at some point down the road, you will know. You just will, because eventually life will call you toward something and it will feel powerful and inviting and important. And you’ll move toward it.

Be in the chasm until it spits you out.

With love,

Tia

Mama Bear Missing Cubs

Dear Tia,

I never imagined it would be like this, but here I am. I have two kids and I’ve been a devoted mother. It’s not always been easy, but it’s been an honor to be a mother to my two boys. Now, they’ve both left home and I am freaking out with spontaneous crying in the grocery aisle, staring into space, no motivation. It looks like depression, but I’ve been depressed, and this is different. I am sadder than I can ever remember being.

Yes, I saw it coming, yes I prepared for it, yes I’ve seen friends go through empty nesting (I thought it was sweet). Yes, I minimized this experience. You don’t know what you don’t know, right? It’s searing grief.

Who am I without my kids at home? How do I structure my day? What’s my reason for getting out of bed? No, I’m not rocking myself on the floor, but I’m in a fog with an aching heart.  How long will this last? How do I pull myself together?

Why didn’t I know how brutal this would be?

Thanks for any help.

Lost Mama Bear

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Dear Bear,

The things nobody talks about, we could write a book, yes? Or, is it that we don’t really hear, because we can’t imagine? Either way, the information is missed. And BAM, life gets real when the kids leave home. Quietly, hauntingly real.

Bringing a tiny human into the world is the beginning of a mind-blowing journey. We focus on childbirth and baby care, and the truth is we get the baby for what feels like 5 minutes, and then he becomes an autonomous, thinking, opinionated individual with his own callings and longings and ways of being. He separates from the moment he emerges from the birth canal. Parenting is just one long drawn out experience of goodbye.

Okay, that’s a little dramatic, but still. You get my drift.

It’s tempting to think of the little ankle-biter as an extension of you, because that’s what it feels like, especially when he is nursing, or sleeping on you, or insisting to be strapped onto your back while you go about your day.

But that little soul is his own expression of life, and as a parent you get to welcome all the mystery and individuality, while witnessing the unfolding of his unique developing self.

While you are giving everything to take care of this being (the task requires no less of you than absolutely everything), it’s important to stay connected to yourself, because you will need that self later, when your child marches out the door to explore the world and you aren’t invited to come along (if you are invited, I suggest you do not to go).

Have you kept a thread to your inner landscape during all these years of serving your children? Even if you have not been aware of it, I invite you to take a slow look around, and see if you can locate that thread.

If you can’t find it, ask for help from those who love you. Welcome their perspective, allowing them to nudge you back to yourself. Sometimes others can see us better than we can see ourselves; it has to do with perspective, forest for the trees, you get it.

What has spun your prop in the past? What captures your imagination? Those are the things you want to move toward in order to remember yourself. It’s work, yes, but it’s fun work. Get playful. Give yourself permission to enjoy this process of reconnection.

As you do, you’re teaching your kids to always hold a spot for themselves while they construct their lives, find partners, become parents. As you reclaim a sweet spot for yourself in the center of your life, you are modeling for your boys what it looks like to remain true to yourself.

Research has been done, Mama Bear, and the arrows point toward approximately a year of being in transition before things settle into a new normal.

Meanwhile, I suggest:

--Create a community around you where you can be real, share your feelings, and ask for support. It takes a village to raise a kid, and sometimes the village needs to serve YOU.

--Remember what you loved back in the day, and give it a go. If the magic is gone, try new things. Find hobbies that make you feel alive... traveling, cooking, hiking, writing, welding, motorcycling.

--Love your boys, but don’t rely on them for your emotional needs. Let space come in so they experience a longing to reconnect with you.

--Feel proud that you’ve raised boys that are entering the world and crafting their own lives. That’s the goal, self-sufficient adults, right? So let them be self-sufficient.

--Be kind to yourself. Parenting is an experience of giving giving giving. Let yourself receive. A pedicure, massage, trip, therapy session, something where you are receiving without an expectation of giving.

Welcome to the new chapter of your life, Mama Bear. It looks totally different than the last one, and it’s full of possibility. Be sad when you are sad, and when it passes find the beauty that’s here for you.

Your boys are lucky to have you, and now the world is lucky to have your gifts with some free time to spare.

You’re going to rock this,

Tia

Becoming Another Person

Dear Tia,

I have an identity problem.  Whoever I am with, whoever I was just with,

or whoever I am remembering, I  become that person--I mean I don’t actually become that person--but it feels like I step into their skin.  It happens more

often when I am present with someone, but I am able to do it just by thinking about someone.  It isn’t really a problem when I am with someone I admire.  In those situations, I am good like they are.

The problem is, I do it with everyone.  If I’m with a drug addict, I pretend that a drug addict is who I am.  I may even say that I have been into drugs in the past.  That is so far from the truth that I’m sure anyone who heard me say that would know it’s an obvious lie.  

I recently morphed while I was with a woman who was in an abusive relationship.  I took on the role of a man-hater and got all angry and righteous with her. I echoed her feelings of being shocked and confused that somehow she’s ended up in a relationship where getting pummeled is the norm.

I make sense of this behavior by reasoning that when I completely identify with another person, I am able to show empathy and possibly be of some help to them.

You might say this is a savior complex, not an identity issue. However, the truth is I don’t have ulterior motives. I really don’t think of myself as a savior/messiah.  It’s simply that when I’m with someone with a problem, I want to really feel that

problem so I can understand it fully.

But lately, I’ve begun to wonder if it has something to do with a lack of identity?

Do I feel that I don’t have a core self? Or perhaps I feel my inner self is too

plain and boring? Do I feel so little that when I am with, say, a criminal, it’s possible that he or she becomes a hero to me, a big interesting character that I can’t say ‘no’ to?

Can you help me to distinguish between all these selves?

Thank you,

Morphing Mama

Dear Morphing Mama,

It seems to me you have an enormous heart and you want to be of service. You’ve discovered that you have a tremendous gift: you’re able to step into someone else’s shoes and feel what they feel, see what they see,  and become them to a degree. The name for that particular experience is empathy, which you know, and you’ve got quite a talent for it.

I’ve known many people who have this ability, although none who have it quite to the extreme as you’ve described. In my experience, an empathic soul like you finds the morphing ability to be both a gift and a curse. This is partly true because there is no training for empaths in everyday life. When you look around, nowhere will you find this capability mirrored back to you in any way that expresses validation, or approval, or understanding. It’s unfortunate. And it means you must seek out and find your people and learn how to manage this all on your own. Finding your people, i.e: other naturally empathic souls, will be your saving grace.

From your letter it seems you aren’t a run of the mill human. You have some unique qualities that enrich your life, but also make it confusing, and challenging, and perhaps cause you to feel somewhat lost. I hear in your letter the question, “who am I?”

Who are you if you are a person who can meld into another person? Where is the authentic, fundamental truth of your individuality? How will you ever be able to claim your rightful place in this world until you know this?

These questions go beyond the scope of this letter. And yet, they are questions that will be a part of your ongoing intrinsic unfolding, probably forever. You are an inquiring, curious, and interested human being, this is obvious. You are also unafraid to step into the unknown. This, I believe, is your greatest asset.

Fear controls. Fear limits. Fear holds us hostage.

This doesn’t seem to apply to you.

It seems there is a part of you that longs for the unknown, the mystery. You are like an astronaut, except the universe you are meant to explore is human experience. Your space suit is your porousness. Your space ship is timelessness. Your job is to break through the boundaries that divide human experience, and eliminate the suffering that happens when people feel separate. What an incredible calling.

I think your letter also includes, “who am I, if I am able to be everyone?” This is is no small question, Diana.

My suggestion to you is this: become friendly with your core self. This could be through meditation, an experience of music, stillness, the natural world, whatever works for you. Perhaps you already have a practice of doing this.

Do it you must.

Your ability to cross into an experience of another is extraordinary. Yet, to find your way back,  you must have a breadcrumb path. You must be able to remember you, and keep a part of your awareness connected to you, as a personal lighthouse.

Re-member, meaning put yourself back together, all the parts of you that have been dis-membered so you can successfully meld and then re-connect. Dis-member, and then re-member. Do you have a conscious way of doing this?

If you are willy-nilly mind and body melding with others, you may occasionally find yourself stranded. This could be unsettling, to say the least. Finding your way back, this is your work. Begin marking the trail, familiarizing yourself with the trees, stars, sky, and other signs or navigational tools. Awareness is key, being awake enough every step of the way, so that you can take it all in, and use it going forward. Or backward, as the case may be.

I also suggest you find some avenues for connecting with others who are able to do this. Your question about whether you have an identity problem is a great one, and I wish I could just tell you the answer. But, that would ruin the journey of finding the answer for yourself.

-Check out Mystic Familiar, a website that includes links to forums where you can chat with people like you. The purpose of this is to learn from others who experience similar phenomena.

-Begin a practice where you are regularly connecting to your core self. The purpose of this is to get clear on what is you, and what is other.

-Be aware when you shift into ‘becoming’ someone else, and keep one part of your awareness connected to yourself. The purpose of this is to remain grounded in yourself while still welcoming any learning and generosity that might come from profound empathy.

-Journal about your experiences, so that you build the ability to articulate your experience. The purpose of this is to learn to use language to differentiate between self and other.

It is a beautiful thing to own such a gift, and work with it consciously, in service to yourself and others.

You are a gift just as you are,

Tia

Stepmonster

Dear Tia,

I could use your help. This is an old issue, but it’s acute right now. Here’s the deal: I am on vacation with my family (me, my husband and our two middle-school kids) in Alaska. We are visiting my dad and stepmother. My stepmother is now and always has been mean, vicious and verbally abusive.

While at their house in Alaska, she started insulting my youngest son, and I told her to stop. This turned into a heated argument and she displayed her usual colors by ridiculing my son for being too sensitive. My husband stood up and told our kids, “We’re leaving” and he brought them to a nearby hotel and checked in. 

I stuck around to try to talk it through, and that’s when my stepmother really went off, telling me what a horrible daughter I am. She said “You haven't been there for me or your father” while describing in detail how pathetic I am, and how I don’t bother to deal with anything, but just stick my head in the sand.

It isn't true. Nothing she says is even close to what is reality. But my dad believes her when she tells him I am the problem. I have tried for decades, but now I realize I  can't have a relationship with her. I know it’s hard to believe, but I have been setting boundaries and trying to find ways to be in a good relationship with her ever since I was a little girl. The worst thing is that if I make the move that is overdue, and break off my relationship with my stepmother, it means I will also have broken off my relationship with my dad.

As I left their house, she hollered at me that for the rest of our vacation they aren't talking to us. This is sad but she is crazy and everything that comes out of her mouth is vicious. My little sister lives here, and they barely see her because they disapprove of her husband. I need to be done for real this time.  How do I do that?

Inside, I am all tied up in knots. I know my dad and stepmother hate me and blame me for everything. I need to make the last 4 days of the vacation manageable for my family, and I am distraught and distracted. It’s an old familiar feeling, this being pushed out, wrong, and unwelcome.  

Also, my husband is pissed at me because I engaged in the same old way with my stepmother. My husband didn’t want to come on this trip. He’s seen what can happen and knows the horrible history with my stepmother. He wanted to go somewhere just as a family, and have fun together. I was adamant we needed to be with my family again. I wish I had listened to him. I’m stubborn and longing for a good relationship with my stepmother and my dad.

What is the way forward?

No Northern Lights, Just Blackness

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Dear No Northern Lights,

First of all you are not crazy to feel distraught. What your stepmother is doing is cruel. She has no business telling your son he is too sensitive, and you were right to step in. Mama Bear is needed here. And your loyalty must always be with your kids.

Further, she is out of line telling you that you're a bad daughter. You may not be behaving in the ways she wants, and you may not be accommodating her needs and wants in the way she imagines is 'correct' but that's not your problem. She sounds like a profoundly sad and broken person, and she is casting blame around so that she doesn't have to carry it herself. If you take the blame, if you accept it and try to “mend your ways” to please her, you are perpetuating her cycle of neurotic behavior. You've been conditioned to believe that allowing her to load you up with her pain is a form of love. It isn't, it's a toxic form of control, and it's not even a distant cousin to love.

I can hear in your letter that the real hook for you is how you might lose your relationship with your dad. You love your dad, and it sounds like you are willing to walk through a firestorm to be with him. Your stepmother has jammed a wedge between you two. It's a sad story, this one, it’s a protracted nightmare. You’ve been living this miserable narrative for decades.

Love isn't supposed to hurt, but it seems from your letter that if you want even a crumb of your father's love and attention, you must endure a hefty dose of your stepmom’s venomous spew. It's not a fair contract. You are not being considered, you don't even have proper representation.

It's curious to me that your stepmother treats you all so badly, and then takes offense that you don't love her better. It’s truly crazy making. If you look up borderline personality disorder, you may learn a few things about your stepmother. This might be helpful to feel validated, to read something sensible about how challenging it is to have a relationship with someone with this particular diagnosis.

The cyclical nature of the relationship you have with your dad and stepmother has continued for enough years, and I sympathize with your husband, and feel his frustration. This scenario keeps unfolding in the same twisted way. You show up with good intentions, imagining that it will go differently this time somehow. And then the usual torment ensues, now with your own kids layered in, like buckshot blame- a smattering of sting for everyone. To expect anything to be different this time is a pipe dream. She isn’t likely to change, and so you will have to.

What can you do to protect yourself, your family, your sweet son? I know you said you've been setting up boundaries for years, but it seems to me you might be employing "Boundary Lite". I would go with the "Extra Heavy Duty Boundary". The extreme commercial grade boundary that allows you to call the shots, protect your family, and minimize opportunity for wounding. What exactly does this look like? I have some ideas, and I bet your husband does too. Here are some to get started;

-A meal together at a restaurant rather than their home--people behave better in public, usually.

-Time alone with your father--if this is possible, it would be ideal.

-Forgive the horrors for your own sake, for your own big-heartedness--yet don't be lured into the illusion that you can start fresh with her, she’s used up all her free passes.

-Any way your relationship changes will come from you, setting things up so you always have an an escape, a way to step out of the trap before you are maimed--you know the warning signs, heed them early.

-You sound like a kind person, so set up a way to show kindness to your stepmother. One that feels good to you will be important--you must have no expectation of changed behavior from her.

-Put your own family first, and make it clear to your father and stepmother that you will not sacrifice yourself, your kids, or your husband in the pursuit of a relationship with the two of them--maybe put this in a letter so there is no wiggle room.

I hope these ideas are helpful to you. They are simply suggestions, places to begin. Any true shifts must come from you, from your own clarity and determination to do things differently.

Meanwhile, it sounds like you are in Alaska for a few more days. Please do something spectacular with your husband and kids.. Hike up a mountain, eat amazing food, go fishing, stay up and watch the northern lights…..

Don't let the same old experience with your stepmother take center stage. Make some memories with your family and find a way to connect that isn't through sadness and disappointment and the usual disbelief that someone who professes to love you could be so cruel.

Step out into the beauty of the landscape, and let the hugeness of it remind you that you are surrounded by people who love you. Your family. The one you made yourself.

Believe down to your very molecules that you are loved by people who get you and aren’t asking you to show up differently.

You’ve got this.

Love,

Tia